Scars of Your Love
by bandtogetherandfight
Summary: Rachel is fed up with her life in Lima, and she asks Jesse to help her make it in New York. What's the catch?
1. Chapter 1

Somewhere along the way she had decided that 30 was her number.

It had been 25 when she was younger, when she was full of dreams and 25 still seemed a long ways away.

It's funny, she often thinks. Everyday she tells the students she mentors for college applications that they don't have to be sure of everything right now; that they can try things out and make decisions that won't destroy their lives decades from now.

It's all a part of being young; being a teenager.

She's sure that there were people in her life that reassured her of the same thing – it's one of the many meaningless things that adults tell young people to protect them from the craziness of the real world.

Even though she's now complicit in it, and makes more than a fair living off of the necessary lie, she just wishes that someone had clued her in earlier that it was all a farce.

Right now, as an adult, it's obvious to her that she threw her life away when she let Nationals – _Nationals _– slide, simply because she got a kiss from the guy that had blown her off countless times before.

Finn Hudson. Also known as her husband, Finn Hudson.

Now that she's 30 and still lives in Lima, married, and working as a high school teacher and a college prep specialist on the side, it's hard not to pinpoint the disappointing moments in her life. Her amazing grades and SAT scores had earned her a full scholarship to be with Finn at Ohio State, after which they were supposed to move to New York together. In the intervening years, she had said yes to his proposal, yes to the house across the street from Mr. Schue, yes to him having to travel for work at least twice a month. Yet, though he had promised, he had never been ready to say yes to the only thing that she had ever wanted from him.

And, yes, now that she's 30, she does blame herself.

She means to get through the holidays and the hectic weeks before the January 1st deadlines that most of her seniors have to meet, but Finn comes home _on her birthday_ with a mini Cleveland Browns jersey and a book of baby names for a child that he's super excited about, but who doesn't exist and never will, and she realizes that she just can't do it anymore.

Later, she's not sure whether it was the ugly brown color of the jersey or the fact that she had just spent hours preparing her own birthday dinner that had been the straw that broke the camel's back. She just knows that he had answered her pronouncement that she was going to New York with an idiotic question – "For how long?"

It had made leaving that much easier.

Everyone is shocked. Her dads had long believed that she had given up on a future that they had invested in since she was 8 months old, and her network of friends, most of them from McKinley, tell her that they thought she had gotten over this 'high school' side of herself.

Honestly, she takes it as a compliment. That is the part of herself that she's desperately trying to rediscover.

People snicker when it turns out that she moves to Chicago and not New York, but she's determined to be realistic and not idealistic about finally making her dreams come true.

That cold, dark winter, she relies on her savings to rent a small studio in Lincoln Park, and hires a vocal coach and a dance instructor to whip her back into shape. She gets a job with Kaplan to teach SAT classes a few nights a week to pay the bills, but makes sure to leave plenty of time to do her 'research' – looking into agents and potential career directions in New York.

In late February, she discovers that Jesse St. James has spent years dominating the West End stage, and is returning home to show Broadway the same respect.

Initially, she scoffs at the idea that dances into her head, but as she's told herself about leaving her husband and starting foundation lessons again, she has nowhere to go but up.

He probably won't remember her anyway.

She addresses the letter to Jesse St. James in care of his New York management company, and includes the newest CD she recorded with her vocal coach and a certificate attesting to her progress in dance. She asks him to keep an eye out for opportunities for her, and hopes beyond hope that she doesn't sound too desperate.

She _is_ desperate. She cannot fail at this, at her life, again.

Six weeks later, she ventures downtown to retrieve a package that the Fed Ex deliveryman conveniently attempted to deliver every time she was out of the house. When she finally does get it in her hands, she sees a return address in New York and rips open the heavy envelope before she has even signed for it, ignoring the attendant who is pointedly holding out the pen.

The look the woman at the counter gives her would normally embarrass her, but she's distracted by the fact that the package includes a detailed, highlighted script, and a request for her to report for an audition in New York.

Tomorrow.

There's no phone number, no identifiable signature, and she has no idea who sent it beyond the stamped _G. Smith _on both the letter and the envelope, but an hour later, she's packed and heading to the airport, a flight and hotel hastily booked on her phone; a five hour energy drink at the ready to make it through the script.

It only occurs to her mid-flight that this could all be a joke; that she should be more skeptical of something that seems too good to be true.

As instructed, she reports to a non-descript office building in Hell's Kitchen the next morning, and she half-expects Jesse to be waiting for her in a room alone. She can't help but have flashbacks to the egging, even though it's been almost fifteen years since and those feelings should have been long-buried.

Instead of Jesse, there are four people sitting at a table, a pianist, and a fake wood floor that has notable tap-dancing dents in it. It's exactly what she remembers auditions to be like – she sings, does a bit of light choreography, and is asked questions by the panel.

The premise of the show is startlingly new for Broadway – a combination of theater and show choir competition – which made it immediately obvious why Jesse would have thought it a good fit for her. It will be an unapologetic, challenging role as some of the show isn't scripted, and will rely on audience feedback and participation to determine the ending. She's going for the part of the 'I've had a hard knock life, but I'll make it because I'm naturally gifted and talented' lead girl, and it's so _not_ her, it's thrilling and liberating. She can tell it's one of those shows that will create a stir, and instantly propel those associated with it to stardom.

In short, she would kill to land the role.

She talks about her experiences with glee club in high school, and wanting to get back to that feeling on stage where all that matters is hitting the note, getting it right. They ask about her performance and improv skills, tactfully alluding to the fact that there is a big gap in her performance resume between college and now, but she makes all of them laugh by telling them that her years as a high school teacher provided her with as much dramatic and improvisational training as she will ever need. It breaks the ice, they start to like her, and she can see that they are taking her dedication to her craft over the past few months seriously.

Her heart skips a beat when she's walking through Central Park a few hours later and recognizes the Manhattan area code on an incoming call. She couldn't be more surprised when it's a voice that she still recognizes from Ohio that starts speaking.

"Congratulations," Jesse says with businesslike enthusiasm, "You've got the part."

She starts crying, and though she has a million questions swirling in her head, it's easier to agree that she will meet him and the rest of the cast at a theater in the Village than to ask any of them.

When the cast is all together for a celebratory toast and a first reading of the script, she doesn't quite manage to hide her surprise when Jesse, flanked by the four people on her audition panel, introduces himself as the director of the production.

He's her boss. All of their boss, actually, and she takes note of the cool, professional attitude that he uses to address the group of eager actors, most of whom will be making their professional debuts.

She's just coming to the conclusion that he must be completely different from the pompous, conceited teenager she used to know, when he silently sidles up to her with two glasses of red wine and a smirk.

He hands her a glass, clinking his with hers without a proper toast. Instead, his words are teasing, dripping with the arrogance and conceit that she vividly remembers.

"You ready for this?"

* * *

><p><strong>I apologize for starting something new, but I had to write this or my brain would not rest. I think I'm having season one Rachel withdrawals.<strong>


	2. Chapter 2

_**So - I read on Tumblr that this week is St. Berry week. This wasn't initially written for that purpose, (it was my study break!) but it does take place in New York. I hope that counts, St. Berry Week powers that be. :)**_

* * *

><p>"You ready for this?"<p>

It takes a minute for her brain to catch up with his tone, and, even when she takes a couple of seconds before answering him, she's still not entirely sure if he's friend or foe.

It does occur to her that she may never have a conclusive answer to that question.

As if he can read her mind, a quick, slight smile interrupts the mask on his face.

"Hey, Rach."

He throws in a wink for good measure, and she can't help but smile, shaking her head at him.

"Please don't tell me that you gave me this part to act out some dramatic saga you've been concocting since high school," she scolds playfully. "You could have mentioned that you were going to be the director."

She glances around her, worried that the comfortable, relaxed attitude she can't help but adopt with him will be misinterpreted by some of the others.

"You got yourself this part," he declares forcefully, looking her in the eye, no hint of her earlier teasing present in his own voice. "That's the last time I want to hear you say anything like that."

She nods, but he can tell she doesn't fully believe him.

"I presented the team with a list of eight potentials," he starts in a low, but firm, voice. "They auditioned them all without any input from me. They made their selection. I just happened to agree with it."

Jesse gets pulled away before he can say much else, and, left on her own, Rachel makes the rounds, introducing herself to the rest of the cast.

There are, in effect, four leads - two boys, two girls - and a large supporting cast. Rachel recognizes the distinctive last name of the other female lead, and, thankfully, someone else asks the question that it can't help but evoke.

When the question, "Are you related to…" is cut off with Morgan's roll of her eyes, and a "Yes, but I don't really want to talk about it. Daddy will be here opening night," Rachel can't help but feel all of her thirty and a half years, and the extent of her inexperience and lack of formal training.

Morgan is playing Rachel's foil: the privileged, Upper East Side princess with perfectly-cultivated vocal talent, and it's obvious she was made for the part.

In order for the show to work, Rachel has to sound better than her _and_ be more likable than her.

She also has to successfully seduce her boyfriend in one scene.

_Piece of cake_, Rachel thinks sarcastically, taking in the tall, leggy brunette. She feels the telltale twinge of nerves blossoming in her stomach.

Still, Morgan seems perfectly nice, and she tells Rachel that her roommate is moving out in a month if she is interested in sharing an apartment. The price is more than reasonable for an apartment in Hell's Kitchen as the second bedroom is a converted dining room, but Rachel can't imagine living with a roommate at this stage in her life. She tells Morgan that she needs solitude after the recent demise of her marriage, which earns her a genuinely sympathetic glance.

With a reminder that rehearsals start in five weeks, Jesse dismisses all but the four leads and his production team. He presents each of the main actors with a binder of reference materials and, no joke, a copy of the national show choir code.

"Read it. Know it. Live it," he instructs them with a grin, and a deliberate glance at Rachel. The command had been Shelby's favorite saying when she was coach of Vocal Adrenaline, something they had often made fun of when he became a consultant for the New Directions.

He gives each of them individual instructions on delving into their characters over the next few weeks, and his instructions for Rachel are to figure out "how to thrive on the outskirts," and "how to like being unapologetically different."

She almost wants to laugh, but she doesn't know if she wants to draw this sort of attention to herself in front of everyone else.

Thrive on the outskirts? Like being different? Please. Does he remember who she was in high school?

There is more chitchat before people head out for the night, and though Morgan and the rest invite her to come out for drinks, she declines and hangs back to wait to talk to Jesse.

He drops a pen on the ground and she bends to pick it up, handing it to him with a smile. "I think I remember how to be different in high school," she says, meaning it ironically - as a joke.

She expects him to laugh along with her, but he's quiet, apparently contemplative. Finally, he seems to decide that he wants to be honest with her.

"So says the woman who married her high school boyfriend, the quarterback, and was his loving wife and Susie Homemaker in Lima, Ohio for the last ten years." Pause. "I didn't mean it to be funny, Rachel. I actually think it will be a stretch for you."

She steps back, wounded at the ease with which he uttered those words, and irritated that he thought that he could go there.

"How dare you," she says with contempt, but still struggling to keep her voice low. "You have no idea what happened between Finn and I, and you have no right going around making judgments like that."

She sees the movement in his jaw as he grits his teeth, but she can't tell if that's in her favor or not.

"You're right," he concedes, though he's anything but conciliatory, "I don't know anything about what happened with you and Finn, but I _do_ know what happened with us, and, trust me, the person who chose Finn on that stage, the person who stayed married to him all this time was a sheep – some scared little girl who was afraid to make it on her own and take chances in life!"

"Oh my God!" Rachel states disbelievingly. No matter how much she recognizes that choosing Finn on stage that night had been the beginning of her life's downward spiral, she refuses to allow it to continue to affect her life. "That was fifteen years ago!"

"Yes," he agrees snidely, "It's fifteen years later and you're here – in the same place that you should have been then. "And where am I?"

Arrogant and conceited, yes, but she can't argue with the truth of his words. No matter, she'll give it her best effort to try.

He doesn't give her the chance. "Talk to Leroy about it," he says calmly, and it seems that their heated discussion is over. "He will understand what I mean."

"My dad is still a partner in one of the biggest firms in Ohio, Jesse," she informs him, feeling like she's speaking with a stubborn child.

"Correction," Jesse says with a knowing smirk. "Your dad is a _black_, _gay _partner in one of the biggest firms in the Midwest. He'll know all about thriving on the outskirts when he can't ever attempt to hide what makes him different."

She looks down, but refuses to give him the satisfaction of telling him that he has a point.

"Lily doesn't ever get the chance to choose the easy way out, Rachel. She doesn't get to run off with the quarterback, though she tries for a while. She's a poor scholarship student who doesn't have many options, and she learns to survive. She doesn't have a choice."

"Fine."

It's the most she's willing to give him, and she turns on her heels and heads for the door, stating a sarcastic, "Thanks for the opportunity," over her shoulder.

Right before she reaches the door, he calls her back.

"Look," he tells her, running a regretful hand through his hair. "I meant what I said earlier. I'm glad you got the role. I wanted it to be you from the beginning. You're every bit as talented as you used to be, and I think it is some sort of serendipitous fate that you're going to be Lily."

"Serendipitous fate is an oxymoron," she says, because she doesn't know how else to respond to the abrupt shift in their conversation. "But thank you. I appreciate that," she finishes diplomatically.

He nods. "I've got a lot riding on this too, Rachel. Probably more than you do. People are just waiting for me to fail as a director. They're already dubbing it the joke of Broadway."

"Lima is definitely not Broadway," she says with a smile, "But I've got a fair number of people waiting for me to fail, too."

He shares her sad smile, understanding without her needing to explain whom exactly she's referring to.

"We won't give them the satisfaction," he promises her.

He holds out his hand to her. "Truce?" he asks.

She smiles genuinely, nodding as she unfolds her arms.

She holds her own hand out as she looks up at him. "Friends?" she questions.

Jesse shakes her hand.

"No," he clarifies, trying not to notice the disappointment on her face.

"I'm your director. You're my Lily."


End file.
